Grief is often described as a normal emotional response to loss. The problem with this definition is that we inhabit an emotion-phobic culture. Uncontrolled emotions are associated with being weak, unable to cope, and not being in command. Thus the person in grief often faces the double whammy of intense emotions along with the shame […]
We live in a culture that values emotional control and therefore does not provide much usable information on handling grief. When someone experiences a profound loss, it can feel very risky to be around others. Few know how to respond appropriately and the last thing a griever needs is needs is the discomfort of others […]
There’s an old saying that goes: Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I had the opportunity to ponder this saying at a workshop on forgiveness, lead by Eileen Barker, a mediator and local expert on forgiveness. Eileen told us there are four levels of forgiveness: mental, […]
I have never thought of myself as one to bury feelings. When I’m sad or hurt, I readily cry. When I feel anger, I have a lightening fast temper. There are, however, some feelings I am not so open to experiencing, anxiety for example. I do everything I can to shift this emotion as quickly […]
I experienced a number of losses the year Marianne died — three friends and a brother. I felt her death more keenly because she was among my closest friends and because I accompanied her through the final months of her dying. Our friendship became more intimate at the very time I had to letting go […]
Death has a bad public image. In hospitals, it’s the enemy to be fought and resisted. On TV, death is either quick and quickly forgotten in cop shows; scary, ooookeee spooky in horror shows; or tragic and depressing in dramas. Death needs a new PR campaign! We need new stories about death if we are […]
I made a lot of mistakes when my parents were dying. Obvious signs of their aging were overlooked, communication broke down, I often failed to show up and when I did, I quickly ran away. I felt confused, indecisive and overwhelmed and when they were gone, full of remorse and regret. The experience was intense […]
One of the challenges children of aging parents face is getting them to cooperate with changes that are for their own good. It is not easy for them. The change often means more restrictions, less independence, a diminution in self esteem, a reminder that they are losing their capacity. Of course they feel resistant. Aging […]
So many things can work against our efforts to care for ourselves while caring for aging loved ones. Being too busy is a big one. There are often numerous medical appointments. The house may need alterations. There is new equipment to buy, research to be done, help to be coordinated. Plus there are all the […]
In an earlier blog, I explored some of the ways people get their ideas about life after death. Religion has been the primary source of these ideas throughout most of history. Since the advent of hospice and modern medicine, we now have the first-hand experiences of people nearing death (see Final Gifts) and those restored […]
